I haven’t blogged for a while. I have a post I really want to write, but I’m not in the right head space to do it justice. So I’ve been slacking. However, since I said part of the reason for writing was for myself to look back on my parenting journey, I don’t want a blank space for this week and wonder why.
Though I suppose the reason why is it’s been a rough week, at times shitty, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for all the good in my life, because overall, my life is awesome.
Last week I was talking with a good friend who said she thought of me and my post about owning our parenting styles and not judging when she felt herself starting to judge someone. I figure now is a good time to put it in writing that I am far from perfect. I don’t want anyone thinking I am or that I think I am or that I’m sanctimonious.
Here are some examples of how I am not perfect: sometimes when my baby cries or fusses incessantly and I can’t figure out what to do to make it better, I yell, “What’s wrong? I don’t know what you want!” And then I feel even less perfect, and in fact, feel like a total asshole. If he could tell me what was wrong, he would. He’s not trying to frustrate me. He’s not feeling well for whatever reason and it sucks. Yes, it sucks that I can’t figure it out, but I’m the adult, so I should act like one.
Or how in similar situations, I put him down so I can dig my fingernails into my hands.
I cry, I scream. Often at the dogs. Then I feel even shittier than I already did.
We’ve had a lot of crying this week – like waking up from a nap screaming or waking up in the middle of the night screaming, and me not being able to figure out why. Today it was crying and not able to fall asleep. So we hit the road. Within two minutes, he was sleeping, so I took myself on a long drive south of Saskatoon. Once he woke up, we went to Beaver Creek.
A while ago, I wrote about how not to lose your mind when you’re having a rough day. Many other moms offered wonderful ideas – so many I wondered if I should do another post! I’m pretty sure one of them was get outside. So that’s what we did. And man, the colours in fall are beautiful, and while Cub can’t tell me, I’m confident we both felt better after spending some time outside. I think he was even kind of smiling in some of the photos! He laughed the squirrel.
I also took another friend’s advice (which was to do some physical activity) and went to yoga tonight. I literally started to cry when we were done. I’m not an overly spiritual person, and I have a hard time meditating (and truthfully, tonight I was focusing on not letting a fart slip), but for some reason, the teacher’s words hit me. I think it was something about honouring yourself.
None of us are perfect. Being a parent is hard. It is also extremely rewarding. We, myself included, shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves when we mess up as we are all human. Just because we get frustrated doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful and don’t love our lives and our little ones. It just means we had a moment. We regroup, and when we know better, we do better.
Tomorrow is a new day. And honestly, in the end today was kind of cool, as you can see from my pics below. If I sum up my day, I had fun at Beaver Creek, I scarfed down some A&W onion rings and rootbeer shake (and double cheeseburger), and then went to yoga. Remember to be kind to yourself. Were not perfect but the moments can still be pretty great.